Pacifist
by princessed
Summary: After leaving the team, Hank Pym thinks about his life. Beware the season 2 spoilers. Translated fic.
1. Chapter 1

disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel. No copyright infringement intended.

Many thanks to MaryJay13 for translating this fic into English.

_Pacifist_

It's past midnight. No, make that two a.m. I really didn't see time fly by, as often when I engulf myself in a science project. I'm hungry. Maybe I can still have some pizza delivered at this hour.

Pizza... I didn't really like it as a child. In fact, I didn't like anything the kids my age liked. I was this solitary little boy who preferred to hide in his corner and observe insects instead of playing and fighting with others. I felt alone, different. The other boys my age all wanted to play tough, and I didn't. That's why they all rejected me.

When I was eight, I did an oral presentation on ants in front of the class. I claimed that if our society was based on theirs, we could reduce hospital costs and pollution, and increase the well-being of all humans. I was really proud of my project but nobody understood anything about it. Everybody laughed and called me "Ant-Man" for a week after that.

The teacher kept me after class. She told me my presentation was at least college-level and that if, as I had said at least ten times already, nobody had helped me, I absolutely had to skip grades. This is how I skipped several grades. Everybody was then calling me "the little nerd" and I could never feel close to any of those teenagers all older than me. I fared no better with the teachers; one of them once told me, and I quote: "stop being such a show-off". As if I had chosen to be too smart for my age! I was working, dreaming, alone in the back corner, and I thought that one day, I would find my place somewhere.

Then there was university, my research... And then I met Janet. She was this warm and outgoing girl, the girl that everybody liked and who talked to everybody, and me, the clumsy geek incapable of holding my end of a normal conversation. Really looks like the improbable couple, doesn't it? Still, we connected. I'll spare you the details of our first meeting. Yet, a few years later, we were working in tandem: I was doing research while she took care of the money and managed my schedule.

Jan managed to make me meet incredible people, like Tony Stark and Nick Fury. Oh, I know what you all think: what would a dreamer like me could possibly find in those two men who are not really into humanitarian work? Well, let's just say I appreciated their intelligence and their determination, and that I've sometimes been wrong about them. Happens to everybody, doesn't it?

I helped Fury design a miniature prison. I devoted a huge amount of both time and passion to this project because I really thought I could help rehabilitate criminals incarcerated there. I thought it would be beneficial to everybody. I also worked with Stark on Ultron, a robot of my creation. That's when I hit my first wall: Tony sold it without my authorization.

It really disgusted me. I thought to retire and fly to the end of the world but Jan convinced me otherwise. I still remember what she told me: "It's not because you've had problems that you should give up. You have an incredible mind, so use it. Try something else!"

That's all Janet. Sometimes, when she's talking to you, you get the feeling that you're the most important person in the whole world. I informed her of my intention to go study vibranium in Wakanda, while thanking her and telling her I would miss her. To my utter surprise, she decided to follow me along, knowing she'd miss on all the shopping and parties that she loved so much. At that time, I should have realized there was something special between the two of us.

We spent time over there. I made some of the most interesting discoveries of my life. Even so, I don't know which are the best memories I keep from my time in Wakanda: the discoveries of the chromosomic particularities of local insects or the more intimate moments Jan and I shared together. She sometimes was forcing me to take a break and go get some coffee. We would talk and joke around. It was in those moments that I just wanted to kiss her so badly.

We got back to the U.S. Then came the Breakout. I never told anyone but it was one of the most shocking moments of my life. I had helped design this prison, after all. I really thought nobody could escape from it. Even worse, I had spent time with some of the prisoners there and vaguely thought they would spare me, or at least ignore me. My ideals got knocked pretty hard that day.

Janet was all excited to be part of the Avengers. Not me. For once, I felt a hundred times more of a realist and less of a dreamer than she was. I didn't have anything in common with any of my teammates, except for Jan. I felt incapable of thinking alike. In those conditions, how could we pretend to be a team?

I already told you about my relationship with Tony, the play-boy inventor billionaire and self-proclaimed philanthropist. I still appreciated his intelligence, but his total lack of humanity was sometimes irritating. It was even worse with Hulk. Or simpler, I'm not sure. His two favourite activities consisted in eating and smashing, which shortened considerably the conversations. Ironically, I admired Bruce Banner but never could really speak to him. Hawkeye's conversations were also somewhat limited. I have absolutely nothing against those three, we simply just weren't on the same page.

On the other hand, I was getting along pretty fine with Captain America. We didn't have much in common but he always had an « old and wise » side to him that I secretly admired. He came knocking on the door to my lab one day, offering to coach me during training sessions. I guess it was a polite way for him to tell me he thought I wasn't pulling my own weight in a fight, but he did help me make progress. He was a very good teacher, demanding but understanding. We got along well despite our differences.

I had the same kind of polite good-term relationship with T'Challa, apart from the fact that he spoke only when he felt it was absolutely necessary, which was not often. Thor was the opposite: he talked a lot. I thought at first that I had absolutely nothing in common with him until he admitted that he had a huge crush on a New York paramedic. He didn't dare say "I love you" to his Jane, neither did I dare say "I love you" to my Jan. Maybe we were more alike than I first thought...

And there came the day when Ultron went haywire. I can't help thinking that had I been more careful, all this would never have happened. He could have killed all of us that day. He almost got Thor, as well as his girl-friend who was also in the mansion. Not only do I stink at my non-relationship, but I almost destroy others'.

I've long held back, and then decided to simply turn the page. Anyway, I didn't have anything to do amongst them. Now I'm happy to have quit. There's nobody here to interrupt me in the middle of an experiment, or to tell me that violence is the solution to everything. I can work without being disturbed. Alright, maybe I miss my old lab at the mansion. Maybe I'd like for Jan to slip from behind and wrap her arms around me as she sometimes used to. Alright, I admit, I miss her.

She's probably having fun with other people right now. I can do nothing about it. Jan is like a butterfly, you just can't stop her from buzzing around. All I can do is hope she'll come back buzzing my way.

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

A month ago I helped Scott Lang free his daughter. I couldn't find a better way to bid farewell to my super-hero life. I gave my past to this man and sighed, relieved to think I at least helped save one more innocent girl. And I tried to move forward to other things. Maybe there was a bit of nostalgia in the gesture but I'm certain there are other ways to help make the world a better place. I don't want to continue endorsing the use of violence.

There has to be a way... It's said that an average brain works only at 10% of its capacity. Technically, it's not true, but the brain evolves and learns immensely in the first few years of its life, does it not? There has to be a solution to learn even more. If I work around the clock maybe I can finally understand how all that works. I want to find other ways and for that, I need to change my own way of thinking.

I don't get out of my lab anymore. Going out, walking, groceries, all those things are only a waste of my time. I'm now working night and day on a machine to analyze and maybe modify my own brain patterns. There is a pattern behind all this and I won't stop until I find it.

It's been several months since I walked out of the Avengers. Good riddance! I'm happy now, can't you believe it? The next one telling me I could blow a fuse will be punched. God I'm going nuts... I need to get some rest...

Let's turn on the TV. Hey, back when I was at the mansion, the guys often fought to choose the program. I used to try to reason with them, but they wouldn't hear it. Hulk ended up choosing most of the time, sometimes Clint. Thor never had his saying in it, mostly because he was wary of everything technology-related. As for myself, I could never watch what I wanted. Not even once...

One bowl of popcorn later, I spread myself in front of the TV. At the mansion, Hulk always used to finish the popcorn. I really had enough. While zapping through the channels, I find an adaptation of ancient Greek myths. Hephaestus in his forge. Everybody laughs at him, he's a complete reject. He stays all alone and built all sorts of objects: bows and arrows for Apollo and Artemis, Hades' chariot, Athena's shield, Ares' weapons... Everybody takes advantage of him. Nobody likes him.

And here is Aphrodite, the most beautiful and the most desirable of all the goddesses, coming his way. She tells him he has an incredible talent, that he's a genius, that she believes in him. He makes her the most beautiful jewels in the world and they get married. Hephaestus is happy at last. He still spends a lot of time in his forge and she tells him to come out from time to time. He just doesn't want to. So Aphrodite start spending time with Ares, the burly guy who doesn't ask himself too many questions and likes fighting because it gives him the opportunity to blow off some steam without thinking too much. Aphrodite cheats on her husband. Of course Hephaestus gets sad but nobody thinks he's right. He invents a formidable tool to expose this treachery in the light of day, but everybody laughs because they all think his wife was right to cheat on him.

I turn off the TV. I think I'm going crazy: even the TV reminds me how much my life stinks. Does one really have to be a beefy tough guy in order to get respect? Is there no place on this Earth for creative and pacifist people? No, I really think I'm gonna go mad...

* * *

Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist. When I wake up in the morning, I find my lab in a complete mess, a completely _different_ kind of mess than what I left it in. My tools and instruments have been misplaced, there are leftovers from meals I didn't order... Even more strange is the weird yellow clothes I found under my bed. Yellow... That's Janet's favourite colour, the one she wore when we first met. Maybe my subconscious is trying to bring her back to me.

I found notes left by someone else while trying to sort out all this mess. The kind of things I would never have written:_ I'll make the Serpent Society pay for having humiliated us. I just have to catch each of them one by one..._ The only problem is that the handwriting is very similar to my own. And then, this terrible sentence: _First off, get rid__ of Ant-Man.__Die Hephaestus!_

Now I'm dead scared. I did lock the door every night and the few people who have a spare key are not really into that kind of practical jokes. Could I be suffering from split personality? Ok, calm down, I have to analyze this problem quietly.

I looked at some video surveillance of my new lab. Apparently I do have black-outs. I sometimes act strangely. I make plans to take the Serpent Society down, only to forget everything later on. Why them? Oh, I know: we were fighting them when I fully realized I didn't have my place amongst the Avengers. On that day I told myself that I would never be a second-tier super-hero and that I'd be better off if I left permanently. I left and Jan preferred to stay with the others.

Maybe my last contraption altered my brain, or maybe it brought up parts of my personality that I always held back. Maybe my subconscious is trying to identify to everything I always refused to be in order to get back to _her_. Or maybe I should just have consulted earlier. I used to cry by myself when I was eight because people used to mock me, calling me Ant-Man. And years later, I took on that name without thinking about all the emotional baggage it came with. What is this thing inside me that is trying to kill this misunderstood little boy? Is my subconscious trying to take revenge for all that I had to go through?

I have to speak with Bruce Banner. Not Hulk, Bruce. He knows a lot about split personalities, he'll know how to help me. Shit, I can't find the phone. I hear footsteps behind me. Maybe I'm just dreaming. Whatever.. I just have to hide in the carpet fibres, he'll never find me there.

He's here, in my lab. Looks like my reflexion in a mirror. Except that I never had that strange look in my eyes, the same prisoners get on the day of their great escape. I know he's here to kill me. He keeps repeating: « Die Hank, die Ant-Man ! »

And that's where I realize I have a very big problem.

I've gone completely mad.

_To be continued…_


	3. Chapter 3

Janet speaking here.

I had to beg for Tony to take Hank back in the team. It's crazy: not long ago, he was willing to let him leave because he thought he was too much of a pacifist. Today, he's balking to take him back for exactly the opposite reason!

I don't recognize him anymore. The Hank I fell in love with used to spend hours in prisons, worrying about the well-being of the criminals there. This Hank laughs while claiming he can catch more criminals than Clint or Tony. He looks like those stereotyped tough guys in movies. I don't have any problems with badass guys, quite the contrary: Hulk, Thor and Clint are my friends. The thing is, we already have enough badasses on the team. I only want to have my Hank back.

I try to help him find his old self again. I manage to make him meet people he met in college, scientists like him, pacifists who understand his humanitarian side and whom he had lost contact with through the years. Every time it's the same: they leave after ten minutes saying he's not the same person anymore. It just makes me want to cry.

I hide my tears. Still, I sometimes get the feeling that the man I love is still there, somewhere. Yesterday, at four o'clock, I came in his room with two cups of coffee. That was one of our rituals, 4 o'clock coffee. He would put aside his tools, drink, talk to me about his research, and I would tell him about my last pair of shoes. I didn't understand half of his scientific theories, and he didn't understand anything about my shopping stories, but I used to love those little bonding moments. For that matter, I think he also used to like it a lot.

Yesterday, when I brought coffee to his... er... substitute, he drank it without a word. He was looking at me strangely as though he was trying to remember something or the pacifist Hank was trying to resurface. I was trying to find the strength to pour my heart out to him, to tell him how much I regretted having tried to change him and how much I was missing the real Hank. But all I could blurt out was: « this color doesn't really look good on you ». _Yellow__'s not your color__.._. what a stupid reply!

He just nodded without saying a word, looking upset. I finished my coffee and left without another sound. I feel lost. Sometimes I wonder if he's not lost forever, if I shouldn't just give up and resign myself.

No, I won't give up. I've never let myself get discouraged. I don't know how yet but I'll find a way to get the real Hank Pym back, the one I've always loved. Anyone who doesn't agree will have his hind kicked!

_The end..._


End file.
